On the way home from work somehow the conversation turned to adoption and foster care and the general challenges of parenting.

Since I don’t have human kids I pulled from family member’s experiences. I talked about my cousin and her two sons she adopted. The oldest had some emotional challenges I could identify with.

“She called and asked me for advise on how I got through things, since I tried to commit suicide when i was 12.”

I stated this as a fact, with no emotion and didn’t really think about it. I was more focused on the challenges they were facing helping him through this.

She made a sad noise. I dismissed it.

Before I got out of the car she said “I’m really glad you’re still here and you worked through things. The world would be a sad place without you.”

I said it would definitely be more boring. I felt uncomfortable.

a few hours later I thought about the conversation again. I really made her sad.

That was not my intention at all. it was just a fact.

I never really thought my existence really impacted people.

Side note: This is not a pity party or a passive aggressive ego trip, like all of my writings, this is meant  to help others who feel like I do.

So I started to think, what would have happened if I had been successful those 25 years ago?

Life would have went on for everyone else but it would have caused unspeakable pain to those who loved me.

I often go to the place of ” it would hurt for a little bit but they’d get over it” Like I was the family goldfish that was just flushed. but my depression made me too selfish to see the real pain I would have caused, or maybe I’m shielding myself from the shame.

My point is no matter how I feel about myself, I mean something to the people I love, and so do you.

I struggle to find words that are different and that will breakthrough the thick feelings of worthlessness but if things are at their worst now they have to get better.

find someone to talk to, to help lead you out of the darkness.

This I pray for you:

Lord please lift whoever is reading this out of the darkness. wrap your arms around them and show you unconditional love. Make a way out of no way for them. I ask you heal their hearts from the pain they are feeling. Show them how much they mean to you and just how important they really are…In Jesus’ name Amen

Blessings through the darkness

Smartass Christian