I’ve come to the point in my life that peace is a must. No longer an option, a nice dream that only people that have their shit together get to experience.

Nobody has their shit together.

I had to accept that fact. I’m not uniquely fucked up.

Getting to this space in my life, I had to experience the most painful season in my life. Losing my mom

The person that loved me beyond reason, the person that understood me the most, my security, my comfort, my home is in heaven.

Seeing the strongest woman I’ve ever met struggling to breathe, hearing the fluid in her lungs as she tried to get a full breath was like I was living someone else’s life. This was not supposed to happen to MY mom. My mom is badass, she could take on the world and put it in it’s place.

December 8th 2020 Mom got to rest. She didn’t have to fight anymore.

Nothing you do will ever prepare you for this pain. There are no books, no stories your friends tell you about their experiences, no shrinks will have the right words.

Something broke in me when mom went to heaven. Something that needed to break. The piece of my heart that kept giving fucks that didn’t need to be given.

Guilt came. all the years I wasted with anxiety and depression over things that didn’t deserve the feelings, energy and attention I gave them. I felt the pain of the joy I didn’t experience while mom was still here because I was weighed down with all of the fuckery that comes with anxiety and depression.

I’m digging my way out.

It’s so fuckin hard. tears still come. fear is still there.

Jesus is with me the whole way, I just have to open my eyes and grab his hand instead of trying to do it all on my own.

I have to put down the false responsibility I feel for the things I have no business trying to control.

I have to let go of the fear of being misunderstood.

It’s my job to be kind and love Jesus and to forgive myself when I fall short.

The middle name of my new identity (in the title) is crucial. I have peace and joy, but I will cut you with a fuckin quickness if you try to steal it.

Shalom

Mary Fuckin Sunshine