This demon is so familiar it feels like me.I can’t remember a day that fucker hasn’t told me how worthless I am. His lies feel like truth. It’s so hard to believe anything else
God I feel so fucking alone. You say you’re with me but what does that mean?

I need a hug someone to understand me . I need to stop feeling like shit.

It’s so distracting I can’t be there for anyone or even care what they’re going through because nothing is stopping this pain. I want to scream until my throat bleeds but that will only distract for a moment. I want to blame people but I can’t. I allowed the demons in. I keep letting the fuckers back in.
Even the things I think I want wouldn’t make me happy right now. I’m not even sure happy is real.
As the demons rip at my mind I wonder if I’ll be anything but miserable.

Thank you for holding me up in situations I thought would kill me.

Thank you for loving me when I don’t understand.

Thank you for loving me when I’m ungrateful.

Thank you for being me back when I’m lost.

Thank you for loving me when I don’t love myself.

Thank you for being my friend even when I haven’t been a friend to you.

Thank you for seeing something in me I can’t see in myself.

Thank you for all the things my mind can’t comprehend to thank you for.

In your name I pray

I love you dearly

Amen

I’ve come to the point in my life that peace is a must. No longer an option, a nice dream that only people that have their shit together get to experience.

Nobody has their shit together.

I had to accept that fact. I’m not uniquely fucked up.

Getting to this space in my life, I had to experience the most painful season in my life. Losing my mom

The person that loved me beyond reason, the person that understood me the most, my security, my comfort, my home is in heaven.

Seeing the strongest woman I’ve ever met struggling to breathe, hearing the fluid in her lungs as she tried to get a full breath was like I was living someone else’s life. This was not supposed to happen to MY mom. My mom is badass, she could take on the world and put it in it’s place.

December 8th 2020 Mom got to rest. She didn’t have to fight anymore.

Nothing you do will ever prepare you for this pain. There are no books, no stories your friends tell you about their experiences, no shrinks will have the right words.

Something broke in me when mom went to heaven. Something that needed to break. The piece of my heart that kept giving fucks that didn’t need to be given.

Guilt came. all the years I wasted with anxiety and depression over things that didn’t deserve the feelings, energy and attention I gave them. I felt the pain of the joy I didn’t experience while mom was still here because I was weighed down with all of the fuckery that comes with anxiety and depression.

I’m digging my way out.

It’s so fuckin hard. tears still come. fear is still there.

Jesus is with me the whole way, I just have to open my eyes and grab his hand instead of trying to do it all on my own.

I have to put down the false responsibility I feel for the things I have no business trying to control.

I have to let go of the fear of being misunderstood.

It’s my job to be kind and love Jesus and to forgive myself when I fall short.

The middle name of my new identity (in the title) is crucial. I have peace and joy, but I will cut you with a fuckin quickness if you try to steal it.

Shalom

Mary Fuckin Sunshine

I type this while in the middle of a hurricane of rage, sadness, loneliness, fear and despair.

My heartrate is still elevated I can feel it against my ribs. My hands still shake while I try and type this shit.

The volcano became active when I went downstairs and saw that my neighbor (thinking he was doing something nice) had torn down out old shed and left shit ALL in the way, making it super difficult to let Simon out.

I felt the lava start to rise. I tried to push it down but it kept bubbling…

Side note: Husband had a tooth pulled today and I was trying my best to do considerate things for him and just be a decent human being in general.  He doesn’t seem to like it when I’m too attentive, but isn’t happy if I ignore him either. I’ve always had a problem being in the middle…

Husband gets home from the bank. I try pushing the lava down more. “how are you feeling?” I ask

He gives me an annoyed “fine, you?”

Lava rises higher

“did you know about this?” I point outside

“Nope”

“what’s your problem?” he says noticing my Lamaze breathing as I try to keep the demon in

“you’re ok with this? How the fuck am I supposed to let Simon out?”

“you’re freaking out over stupid shit”

The rest I can’t really remember. The demon came out to play. The conclusion was I only care about Simon and would chose him over my husband and he always takes the neighbors side and thinks I’m crazier than he is…

I spiraled into darkness. The thoughts echoed. “It’s never gonna get any better. You have to do something and do it now. End it. There’s no point. The pain will never end”

I breathe faster. I HAVE to get away. I want to scream, I don’t know how to get the pain out.

I quickly smoke a bowl and come up to my office. I fall into my chair

“God help me. Please! I can’t
I calm more and he showed me my husband’s side. The summary… He was in pain and I was in a rage over something someone else did. Instead of being there for him I allowed my emotions to take over and totally distract me

Swallowing my pride and shame I get up and yell down the stairs “would you like me to get you something to eat?”

An annoyed “If you want” answered

I hold back a growl

“Well my brain wasn’t thinking of food, but if you’re willing”

I smirk and go downstairs to get him something to eat.

The Lord works in quirky ways…

Blessings through the bullshit

Smartass Christian

Every where I go there I am…

Except when I get lost in a book series or something on Netflix. It’s a pathetic obsession right now. I try to get lost in anything I can stand to listen to or watch.

The last book series I listened to the main character drove me batty but I stuck with  because it was more exciting than my life, than realty.

Reality. I’ve never been fond of it and I don’t think many people are these days. it’s getting harder and harder to find the good moments in this shit show called life.

People are openly being hateful to one another and almost proud of it. Families are being divided over ignorance, pride and fear.

When are we going to get over ourselves and be there for each other? Be there for each other even when we don’t understand?

How are we ever going to understand if we don’t listen to each other and help how we can?

Just listen. People will tell you what they need if you just listen.

Listen to hear instead of listening to judge.

On the way home from work somehow the conversation turned to adoption and foster care and the general challenges of parenting.

Since I don’t have human kids I pulled from family member’s experiences. I talked about my cousin and her two sons she adopted. The oldest had some emotional challenges I could identify with.

“She called and asked me for advise on how I got through things, since I tried to commit suicide when i was 12.”

I stated this as a fact, with no emotion and didn’t really think about it. I was more focused on the challenges they were facing helping him through this.

She made a sad noise. I dismissed it.

Before I got out of the car she said “I’m really glad you’re still here and you worked through things. The world would be a sad place without you.”

I said it would definitely be more boring. I felt uncomfortable.

a few hours later I thought about the conversation again. I really made her sad.

That was not my intention at all. it was just a fact.

I never really thought my existence really impacted people.

Side note: This is not a pity party or a passive aggressive ego trip, like all of my writings, this is meant  to help others who feel like I do.

So I started to think, what would have happened if I had been successful those 25 years ago?

Life would have went on for everyone else but it would have caused unspeakable pain to those who loved me.

I often go to the place of ” it would hurt for a little bit but they’d get over it” Like I was the family goldfish that was just flushed. but my depression made me too selfish to see the real pain I would have caused, or maybe I’m shielding myself from the shame.

My point is no matter how I feel about myself, I mean something to the people I love, and so do you.

I struggle to find words that are different and that will breakthrough the thick feelings of worthlessness but if things are at their worst now they have to get better.

find someone to talk to, to help lead you out of the darkness.

This I pray for you:

Lord please lift whoever is reading this out of the darkness. wrap your arms around them and show you unconditional love. Make a way out of no way for them. I ask you heal their hearts from the pain they are feeling. Show them how much they mean to you and just how important they really are…In Jesus’ name Amen

Blessings through the darkness

Smartass Christian

 

Sometimes in the middle of your pain God will shows up and say “calm the hell down I got this”!

My Mom was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Fortunately it’s operable but the doctors also found a spot on her liver that concerned  them and they wouldn’t operate on the pancreas if the spot on her liver was cancer

Today she went in for a biopsy on her liver. This morning I prayed “Lord please take the spot away make it nothing”

This afternoon I got a text from my Dad. “they couldn’t do the biopsy cause they couldn’t find the spot”

Not one, not two, but three ultrasound technicians could not find the spot on her liver!!

People can try their best to explain that away but that was God all day long!

Thank you Jesus!!

God is good! All the time God is good!!!

Blessings

The Smartass Christian

Emotions suck.

Pain is supposed to make you stronger, better, faster…whatever.

What happens when you’re bitter instead of better?

When you feel like you’re losing the little part of yourself that is the “good” part of you. When jealousy and anger takes over.

When you lose all sympathy for other people’s problems and want to tell everyone to suck it up and be grateful for what they have and you’re waiting for someone to tell you the same thing so you can unload all the pain and anger that’s slowly killing the good in you, on to them.

When you don’t want to be around anyone because you feel judged and watched for everything you do but you don’t want to be alone because you judge yourself for all the same things.

When alcohol makes you feel normal and happy for a bit but you wake up and hate yourself because you can’t remember if you blabbed all of your pain or judged others for theirs.

When bible study makes you feel like the dumbest person that walked the earth.

When all you want is for your husband to hold you and tell you everything is going to be ok, but all you can have is a phone call or a short supervised visit.

When you lie awake at night wondering if he’s going to love you the same when he gets out or if he will do something to make you go through this all over again.

When you hear someone say “everyday is a gift from God” and you want to punch them in the throat.

Where do you go with all of this?

You take it to Jesus. You can bitch and cry to him and he will remind you that he has gotten you through all of the shit in the past and he will get you through this.

Blessings through the bullshit

Smartass Christian

A little bible humor I found on https://deanaohara.com 

(Not mine) Seen floating around Facebook –if you are the owner of this and you see it, would you please tell me? I’d love to give you credit. Thanks.

To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: “Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz.” While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don’t settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, , Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz..