…isn’t every drunk disabled?

:It was wished on me at a young age that my physical pain tolerance could be switched with my emotional…

I’m trying to be all deep and I can’t even type the words right.

My husband is in jail…of course I’m going to get drunk in the middle of the week when I half to get up at fuckin 5 am. my anxiety is already kicking in.

I need to make Ozzy’s bong (kong). Don’t want my mother in law to wake up. Don’t want to face the shame of being drunk on  a work night. trying to promise yourself that you’ll go to work in the morning, but are 85% sure you’re going to “work from home”

Ozzy boy sitting at my feet. givin me the “it’s ok you’re drunk in the middle of the week mama, gimme a combo” look.

9:25 PM  can I make the bong, take a shower, eat a snack and fall asleep in time to be able to function at 5 fuckin am.

fuckim lil bottels of wine

9:30pm- still haven’t moved. thinkin about combos.

I wonder how many packages I had sent to the house tonight…

My husband is in jail…of course I use retail therapy.

I am broken. I was broken before my husband went to jail, now I’m just broken and lonely.

I don’t want to be around people…I don’t want to be alone.

It huts…I’m numb

 

When someone is incarcerated, they’re not the only ones with a sentence. Yes the rest of us have our freedom but we also have a hole in our lives.

The empty side of the bed that you still reach over and try to hug before you open your eyes and realize you’re alone again. The advice or opinions you want at random parts of the day that you can’t get and just the general comfort of their presence is no longer there.

Your person, the one you vowed to spend your life with is locked up and the for worse part of your vows is being put to the test.

You are being punished for someone else’s actions, and the justice system doesn’t give a fuck about you.

You feel the sting of other’s judgement for staying, for doing what God called you to do. (seriously he did, how else could I make it through this if it wasn’t part of God’s plan for me?)

No, God did not call my husband to be a dumbass, but He did take that dumbass mistake my husband made and used it to make me stronger. He’s showing me the love and mercy he put in me for others.

I do not handle every situation perfectly. I am human. I still struggle with forgiving those who have hurt me in this situation, but I am working on it and I know to ask God for his help. Years ago I wouldn’t have known to do this, I saw forgiving someone as being weak…letting them get away with it. but in truth, not forgiving weakens me.

Unforgivness drains me. it sucks up all of my energy with anger and hate, when the people who hurt me are off living their lives having a good ol time, I’m wasting mine thinking about them, giving them control of my mind.

So I will leave you with this prayer

Lord, I ask you to help me and anyone who is reading this forgive those who have wronged us. Please heal our hearts and make them whole again. Thank you for your grace and mercy towards us. In Jesus’ name Amen

I hope my babbling has brought you a little comfort and has shown you that you are not alone in your struggles.

Please feel free to message me if you need prayers.

Blessings

The Smartass Christian